The truth behind the gate: Part I

My mind are running everywhere and I don't know where to start.  My heart is bent backwards, sideways, and upside down trying to sort out what's inside.  The black market is murder, for real.  Attempting to tear me apart, limb from limb, heart chamber from heart chamber.  It's torn me in so many different ways, it's ridiculous.  Women think it's easy to be a nice guy, to be compassionate, kind, sweet, and caring without it having an effect on you.  The truth behind the gate is that the pain in one's heart is usually more than they can bear.  Usually, the individual will take it out on others whether they choose to or not.  To stud women would take years on end, and they might just feel the say ways about men.  They don't completely say how they feel for fear of being hurt and when they get hurt, they get mad at the man whose supposed to interpret exactly what she was thinking and how she felt because men have to be freakin' mind readers.  Those same women claim that men don't know what they want, when in fact some women are mad that what men want is so simple.  You don't need a quantum physics textbook to solve a Sudoku puzzle,so why would women think that you need to be complex when dealing with the heart?  I understand that relationships aren't easy and most people always hear the worst from their friends/relatives, but if the emotional maturity is present, then things are possible.

Parts of me, forced together

I feel like I have lived my life to appease the masses. There's a me for parties, there's a me for school. There was a me for church and a me for masking things. There's a me for fun and a me for stress. I've spent my life forcing all these different me's together, trying to make them work. Look at me now. A mess. There are like 39 different me's in my head, all prepared for different scenarios, but none of them are right. None of them are the real me....They all have parts to who I am.

I'm a whiner, a crier, a punk, a baby, an affectionate, a clown, and I'm not normal.

When can I get to the point that the parts of me that counted are made whole??

Apart

Apart.....

Tripping, stumbling, falling, lost... is where I am. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to feel. I am disconnected from myself. I'm stuck in 100 different ruts without an escape. I made myself a hermit. I am apart. Apart from everything. Apart from my feelings, thought processes, true needs and desires. I am apart. I am not used to deciding, thinking, feeling, or responding on my own anymore. I am apart. I am in school, just to be there. I am home, just to be here. I am apart. I feel lost from everything and anything, but yet He is there.

You start to wonder why He sticks around, why you end up in certain places, feeling certain ways, thinking that you can never get anything right. Maybe I'm looking wrong. Sometimes I feel that way, sometimes I don't. I am apart. I don't know how to pull it all together anymore.

To all my friends that keep repeating the right things in my ear, please keep doing so.
To all my ex's that I have hurt in the past, please forgive me.
To all the people that came to me for advice, if you ever see that I need some advice and you feel compelled to do so, by all means you are welcome.

I need help, just as much as anyone else. I'm falling apart and it isn't at the seams anymore. It's at the core.

I am apart....

The things people do and those that don't believe...

Do people really believe that the choices that the ones they love make choices that hurt them, but will help them? Have you ever been put in that situation, where a decision that you've had to make a choice that was beneficial to someone in the long run, but painful in the short term?