Tuesday, December 22, 2009

No Turning Back...

As 2010 looms its ominous head, I am starting to understand a couple of things about myself and those around me. People have called me selfish, rude, etc. I might be inclined to agree due to my past issues, faults, problems, and shortcomings, but I won't anymore. As of January 1, 2010, I will not turn back and look at my shortcomings. I will not turn back and look at my faults. My past issues and problems will only be in my mind just to reinforce the fact that I have to learn from them. They have been a stumbling block in my path, only there for causing problems. Not any more.... With God at my side, I will be victorious! I will not be a punching bag for those who don't understand me...

I AM NOT TURNING BACK.....

White Knight in Transition

The way things were...

Have you ever seen the video game The Prince of Persia? If you do something wrong, you can use the Sands of Time to replay time and try again... I see now that we as humans want that power, or so we think. I am more so talking about problematic relationships, marriages, etc.. One person will always say "I want things to go back to the way things were", and not realize what they are asking for until it's too late. We are all culprits of that statement. We all want things to go back to before there were problems. But, the problem with that mentality is this: we want to go back, but we don't realize when the problems started. We don't realize the gift that lies before us. Yea, I said gift. This gift is the power to move forward and to do better. We don't want that ideal, we want things the way they were.....

Closure and a Clean Slate

I've had this feeling that I'm feeling and it won't go away.... Actually, it never has gone away. I have just chosen to stop ignoring it... In my heart's eye, I feel as though all my relationships are like books, epic stories, or folders. The problem is that most of them AREN'T closed... I have all this unfinished love sitting around, waiting, hoping that someone will come back and love me again... Not wanting to close the book and losing out on a chance for old time love. I now have come to a point where I have to close these books PERMANENTLY... No more will I chase after old loves', old relations. No more will I throw myself at another female, either physically, mentally, or emotionally. No more will I stretch myself thin to please many and hurt myself. I read my namesake's blog and will put a new spin on his concept. My goal and my new mentality is now known as  the CSC (Clean Slate Closure) mentality. I will now strive to step into the new year, not holding on to the love that existed in the past, but to strive to clean off my emotional desk and start fresh for 2010. For those reading, I suggest you do the same. But be mindful, if you start to not feel anything at all, leave the books open... They might be your only temporary connection to your emotional life....


White Knight Returns

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Vulnerablilty=Common Sense

Most women use the word "vulnerable" the same way parents use the word "sex." It's taboo to believe in such things because one leaves themselves open to the harshness of the outside. But I believe in the contrary... It's only when one has been weathered and tempered from the outside that one can really begin to understand the simplicities of the inside. I've gotten my heart broken more times than I can count. I've had my self-esteem destroyed and I've had my emotional essense ripped from me. But I honestly believe that as the days go by, I have a lil more common sense(even though I still do stupidness).

Common sense is something that most people don't usually use, but all people have it.

I'm not a Defroster

Why in my life do I have the responsibility of defrosting other people's hearts and minds?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Burned...

Don't you just fuckin' hate when you try to be the best for everyone all the damn time and you get chewed out for missing someone???? That's the plague of my entire fuckin' life. I don't know anymore... I'm tired of everything... I'm burned by being a friend..... Maybe I don't need to be anyone's friend......

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Emotions

It is said that we don't have problems with situations until we form emotions towards them.  When we have problems with co-workers, spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, and family members, these problems trigger memories of similar problems that either we've all encountered and have responded to or problems that we've seen take place and have seen particular responses to.  That process, in turn, triggers emotions that we've all stored for different situations.  So, in essense, all emotions that occur today are really replays of past situations. 

The big problem nowadays is how do we respond to new problems?  Do we replay the stored responses or do we re-evaluate each and every situation and make changes when necessary?  Unfortunately, most people don't have the time to re-evaluate or they just choose to follow what we have all labeled our "gut-instinct."  This so-called instinct is just a storage unit for emotions that have occured in our lives.  We have gotten so accustomed to using our "gut" to solve present situations that we have become "mentally complacent."  We don't really attempt to mentally enact a new emotional proocess. So, for example, if in a relationship, one of the people cheat, the pain that's felt is usualy a recap of either a previous relationship or a learned response from watching someone else go through it. 

So, what do we do with our emotions? Do we follow our gut or do we re-evaluate what we used to feel?  When we sit down watching TV, do we watch the same shows over and over?  If the anser is no, why do we replay the same emotions? Why not find better ways to deal with our emotions.......

Friday, November 13, 2009

Friends, or the lack of them.....

Why is it that women will almost always hang out??? So much so that they make a TV show out of it, but men are no where to be fucking found??? Maybe it's because some women take life more seriously than men. I know that because when I look around, I see women driving, women lending men money, women taking control. I always see men in general, either on the bus or driving an expensive car that can be repoossessed by the police... Where are my friends...................

Loneliness=Frustration

The walls..... I'm tired of staring...
The chairs....I'm tired of sitting....
I'm drowning in my own sorrow, filth, and sadness
Filllin my mind with lonliness and frustration.
Like emotional castration.
A bad situation....

I don't know how to feel now.... My heart can't take any more drama. I just want to love and be loved. Some days I wonder: if I was drunk every day, if things would be ok for me. Part of me says no and my pockets aren't loud enough. I'm a broken vessel and I don't feel as though I deserve the repairs.

I'm frustrated..............

YAHA Day 2

It's after 12 and I'm having sooo many problems, none of which any human can help me cope with. I don't like being alone. It tears me apart from the seams. It destroys my inner character, the me that I have been trying to develop from a long time ago. I cannot maintain on my own. I really can't I just walked out of a seminar where it's telling me that all the things that I would like to do have prerequisites. These prerequisites have stipulations that I can't meet. My heart won't survive another relationship right now. I heard about an acquaintance who had jumped off of a builing, all sue to stress. I never want to get to that point, even though I know that I have gotten close.... A lil too close for commfort for my own liking, if I even have that sort of thing. I know what I have to do, but my mindset is stuck on so much different things, that I don't know which way to go. It hurts too often. I'm almost at the point where casual firting will hurt, again.... and this is only Day 2

Thursday, November 12, 2009

YAHA Day 1

The deay has begun!!!! The flight was good, to say the least. The Briscoffs were to die for lololol. Getting off the plane and into the Shuttle bus, however, was another deal. I'm here on vacation, but I know that stress follows you wherever you go.  So, I know that this weekend CAN be relaxing, if I be grimey and selfish (which isn't me at all.) But, we'll see. Today is only Day 1..................

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Growing while blind... The onorthodox paths the Lord takes...

Like the blind men in the Bible, we too are blind. while their ailment was physical, ours could be spiritual, mental, emotional, or social. We walk, talk, and live life: all while blind. We don't notice it, or even when we do, we pay it no mind, hoping that it will go away. under the rug it goes, right?? Wrong... Our blindness will hurt others, guaranteed. It could be anything we do, or don't do that can affect the way we walk our blind path. Even when the Lord is there for us, we don't achknowledge him because He didn't take the path we wanted him to take.

Faith Without Works: Understood

We all have faith in God, or some higher power, but we don't realize what has to be done on our end for our faith to be understood by ourselves. Faith without a goal, a positive destination, a finish line to work towards is not going to work. We all need something to attain, something you strive for so that our faith doesn't waver. If we say we have no problems, how can God manifest Himself through our faith. It is in our trials that He is made known, through our difficulties that his power is magnified. We must understand that our faith in God to help us towards our goal is alive!

I hate condesendence!!!!

The fact that some people can just come out and say that you will never make it bothers and tears me to no extent. Someone in their wrong mind said it to me and I will never forget it. My drive, my determination, my goal is to prove them wrong. I am now a man with more than just a goal...

I am a man who will take condesendence by the balls and obliterate it....

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Ichabod, I get it now.....

We all wonder the same question, "Where has the glory gone?" The way I look at it, it isn't that the glory has gone anywhere, we just neglect to look at it. Maybe we're doing something we aren't supposed to, or thinking things that push the glory from us. as humans, we can't help it. People  get pushed away every day. God sticks around because He knows we can't do better on our own. We pray, get up, and sin again. We just have to hope that the glory doesn't depart from us as well.........

Daddy, pick me up......

It has always said in the Bible that we should be as children to enter the kingdom. Actually, I never really got it until recently. As adults, when we go astray and do something wrong, we attempt to hid our transgressions from others through lying or shifting blame. We never really take blame for what we did unless we are cornered, pinned down, or otherwise forced to admit to our faults. We don't do what God has simply asked us to do: reach up to Him, like a child would do to his father. We don't want to behave like little children because we think we are too grown, but we make mistakes the same way a child would. We trip and fall, scrape our hands and knees, and cry out for help.  All this goes on and still we are stubborn.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Can we all really change???

I keep hearing that a dog will always be a dog and a snake will always be a snake, but what about a boy who wants to stop acting like a boy and start acting like a man... Is there no hope for him? Are we all stuck in our old ways?? Is there no end to the pain that we have brought to others? No outlet where we can be cleansed of our past discrepancies?

Can we really change?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Looking in the right places...

I was talking to my namesake and in 10 minutes, I learned more than I had anticipated. I learned that my mindset in relationships was the wrong one. I believe that had I learned this sooner, I would've broken less hearts and I wouldn't have been so depressed for a lot of my life. I learned that if you believe in what you have and not search in the wreckage of other places for something better, you will save yourself a world of heartache, stress, pain, and grief. If you look in the right places, follow your heart and not your loins, you will realize that where you are is where you should stay. The man/woman you are with can be the one you will be with. If you think about it, the relationship that you are in can work if you wanted it to. Not only can it work, it can flourish as well. If that doesn't work, then it's just not meant to be. The problem is that no one wants to put in the time required to compete the task. All of us, me included, want instant results. We don't want to wait and see what develops. We just want the end result without putting in the work. Well, now the responsibility rests on us........

To look in the right places...

Singleness-Can you dig it?

There are feelings and emotions and things you can't quite put your finger on, but sometimes you aren't sure whether they will take you. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. So what do you choose??? There's always Singleness..... No one really wants that. Why you ask? Because no one really wants to be alone. Take it from someone who knows all too well. Singleness is a lifestyles which relies on complete faith in God, who will supply your needs. It isn't something easy, but the religious payout is different...

Singleness....... can you dig it???

Is perfection attainable in relationships??

What is this thing called perfection??? Does it really exist? I have seen perfection in work-related situations, but in regards to relationships, is perfection really attainable? Should it be attainable? In my heart, the thought of relational perfection is unheard of. I don't believe in that when it refers to matters of the heart. If you attempt to mesh the two, the problems that will occur will be astronomical. It's simple: look at how life will be if you were a perfectionist, the stress will be up to your neck. Can you imagine the headache that will pop up if you try and make your relations perfect? Painful is an understatement in that regard. So now, after reading this and doing your own contemplations, ask yourself....

Is perfection attainable in relationships???

Patterns

In every person's life, we all have patterns that we follow, whether we like to or not. Certain things that are habitual, even forceful that overruns our lives. We all have our vices that take over. What we need to do is understand our own patterns and discern whether those patterns are beneficial or destructive to your life. The problem is that we can almost always see other peoples' patterns and attempt to instruct them on how to correct it. What we need to do is turn our lenses towards ourselves, as hard as that may be, and work on ourselves. I'm at fault for that, consistently. I'm always minding other peoples' patterns and not my own. The best bet is to look at yourself before attempting to look at others and attempt to find......

your Patterns

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Conflicted...

I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions....
Which one to choose?????
Which path to take????
All I know is that I don't want to cause any pain.....
Then why do I feel like I'm going insane!!!!

My heart, soul, and mind are all going batty. All confused because I don't know..... Some people say that "IDK" isn't a response, but the truth of the matter is that it is. A person reaches a point in his/her life when they really don't know. What am I supposed to do?? There isn't a rule book on life and emotions and relationships and people and love and pain. There's only experience, and even that's a hassle because so many people become "damaged goods" because of experience.

My heart feels like a wet rag that was never hung out because there was always something to clean..... wet, used, discarded, unwanted..... but yet people act as though they do...... but the memories come back..... of all the pain...... the tears, shed for no reason....... the anger, resentment, torment, abuse.... all because of emotions that we can't understand......

I AM CONFLICTED.........

Friday, August 7, 2009

What's really important...

Do you ever wonder why relationships fail? Why marriages fall apart? Why kids run away? I know I have and I have come to a conclusion. It isn't a pretty one. I believe that it's because we have lost sight of what's really important in life. Is it the paycheck or is it your family? Is it the promotion or is it taking care of your kids? I have seen kids raise themselves, have kids and become a statistic in the system.

So the question is: what's really important? I believe that the key to all relationships, whether it be marriages, boyfriend/girlfriend, or interpersonal relations, is understanding, not respect, love, trust, or even patience, but it's understanding. Why? Because if you understand one another, there isn't anything that can't be overcome or accomplished.

I'll leave the rest up to you to think about... Find out what's really important....

Unification vs. Conformity

As a people, regardless of color, we all come to a point in our lives when we have to make a choice of whether we will unify or conform to the society of the day. I was sitting in church when the pastor informed us that we have to make a choice. I didn't understand until the service was over and I walked out. When the disciples were together in the upper room, they were on one accord with doing God's work, and they were blessed. So what will happen if we are on one accord with God or even on one accord with our fellow man? Will life be easier or will there be more problems?

Many people have chosen to conform to the ways of what they see around them: conforming to the oppression that we put on one another, the heartaches that we administer to one another, the misunderstandings and all the others that come with non-unification. How much stronger would we be if we just unified, if we were on one accord with our co-workers, spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, kids, peers. This world would have another spin altogether: less people in jail, less children having kids, less sins happening because as we concur with each other and we are unified, we are ultimately unified with God.

So, make your choice: will you unify or will you conform..........

How deep should love flow?

How far should our hearts extend to accommodate the emotions and fluctuations of another human being? Should you destroy your hopes and dreams for the love of another? Is love that crucial? I believe it is, but not under all of the circumstances. Love can and will flow deep, but not at the cost of one's sanity. The situation has fallen into my lap many a time, and my sanity has suffered extensively, but that's because the love in my heart runs deep and the source can't be affected. God has kept my mind in this world and His love has begun my healing. So, be weary of when you aren't sure if your love is being reciprocated. Keep the love of God in your heart and keep the significant other in check about the amount of love they show, whether its too much or too little. The pain that you might endure and/or inflict will let you know if your love runs deep.....

Faithful, even when we are unfaithful

His love for us doesn't end.... Never ends even when we don't listen, when we don't care to understand, when we don't repent... He loves us, cares for us, protects us, and forgives us. We don't do anything to deserve what He dishes out, but He does so anyway. I'm happy that Jesus has so much love in His heart for us that He loves and forgives us for what we have done, will do, and what we will continue to do because of our sinful nature. Like the song says, " He is faithful, faithful to me."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Your heart n soul

It's views like this that make me remember why is it that God sent His Son. Nature is the easiest way to see what God has done. The trees, the clean air, all testify of what beauty exists in the mind of God. What's better is that while He spoke the world into existence, He took His time and molded us, fashioned us, created us, and loved us. This view is one of the reasons why I love going upstate and leaving the city behind: just to bask in the glory of the creations of God and enjoy His blessings. It's an age old purification method of mine. Enjoy the blessings of God and let Him speak to you in the wilderness. I always learn something new about myself and what God has planned for me when I'm out there. Your heart and soul can get bogged down by the stresses of the day-to-day mundaneness, to the point of utter decomposition of willpower and determination.

We all need some time to discharge our hearts and souls or we will destroy ourselves and everything that we hold dear. Our patience will dwindle and our love will fade, all because we don't listen to our hearts when it cries out for release from the ups and downs of live, love, and the search for happiness. Please pay attention to the alarms that your heart ring.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Options

Some men have options, but all women have options. Men have options because they themselves are an option to some female. We men don't always have options, we tend to attempt to create them and fail miserably. I don't think we were made to have options. For some reason, some men have options based on physical standpoints: money, length of penis, you get the picture. But the other guys, the ones that actually have a heart, don't have any. So, they are stuck being the man that they always were: some woman's doormat. Don't you just hate that? I have been a doormat and it looks like I'm in the process of being another one. Ahhhhhh, the mistakes we make and how it follows us to the end of time. Lovely. Men, you have an option to not hold a woman's sins over her head. Women, you also have that same option, even though I know you won't use it. For some women, past sins are leverage to get their way. It's sad to see, but real regardless. So, think people,.....

What are your options??????????????????


A Knight in Contemplation

Friday, June 19, 2009

It's all about you,....

I now realize what it is that I lack. It's not alcohol, antidepressants, nicotine, but praise. Praise, not of myself, but the freedom to praise God as I see fit. The only things I do constantly are not things that God would condone, but I don't know how to stop. That's the thing.... I don't know.... I need your help Lord. Please.......



A Knight in Need

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I understand....

I think I'm starting to get it. I'm starting to understand what the Lord has been trying to impressing upon my heart. The life that the church should have they are afraid to have because of their fear of being of the world. But why should we be afraid of the world that we are supposed to be seasoning? I'm starting to get it. Right now, as I type, I'm sitting in the house of the Lord at my friend's church understanding what I should've understood when I was at Oakwood. Maybe I was too young....too immature to get it.

A Knight in Disguise

Routine and Redundancy

Why is it that everyone looks for a way from the mundaneness of existence when life has to be routine? There are certain things that are routine, such as work and school, but I think that it's when we as a people start looking for something that isn't routine is when we get into trouble. When husbands/boyfriends/wives/girlfriends look for something out-of-routine so to speak, that's when problems usually arise. How can we solve this on an individual level? I think that we need to find a way to make the redundancy enjoyable. We are all born with an imagination and a conscience. The question is what's the balance that the two share in a person's mind, whether male or female. If your imagination takes precedence, then the problems will show up sooner than later and more frequent. If your takes precedence, then the problems will come later, but in a much different way. That's how I'm looking at it.

Woman's conscience v.s. man's imagination: when she doesn't budge, it leads to problems because she's pushing him away and he's tired of trying.

For some reason, there are some people, whether men or women, that can bend or compromise more than others.

Are we afraid of routine? Does redundancy scare us more than death???


A Knight in Disguise

Friday, June 12, 2009

Time and how to use it

We always wonder whether we utilize our time wisely or do we squander it like the Prodigal Son squandered his inheritance. As sinners and humans, we wonder whether people are worth our time or not. The fact of the matter is we shouldn't be in control of that because at the blink of an eye, people can change. I am a culprit of wasting time and it's a hard habit to break. Maybe one day i'll get it.....


A Knight in Confusion

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Man You Don't Want To Be

Have you ever noticed a man in the street screaming at his wife? Or the man beating his child? Or the guy cheating on his girlfriend/wife?The first thing you say is " I don't want to be that guy." You don't wanna be that man, that abuser, that child molester. You want to be an upstanding citizen and a defender of what's good in this world. But what happens when your wife has no time to make love, no cuddle, caress. It's all about making ends meet. The problem is that making ends meet doesn't keep the love flowing. It doesn't keep the marriage stable. Love does. So, men take the time to love your wives, your girlfriends. Stop looking for the jumpoffs in life, because soon you'll look and you'll be the man that you didn't want to be: lying, cheating, and abusing. Be careful men.....



A Knight of Counsel

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I wish

I wish....
I wish my sadness would fade away
I wish that tomorrow would be today
I wish my heart didn't hurt so much
I wish that everything would fade....

Pain takes over and consumes entirely
I wish I could make it a separate part of me
I wish my sins would leave me alone
I wish that the grave was my home.

All of my wishes never come true
But I wish some of them did
I wish for happiness
I wish for peace of mind
I wish for success
I wish I could leave it all behind

I wish....


A Tired Knight

Friday, May 8, 2009

Sniper 1:Code Red

I think it is about time...
i think that I have reached the point where other people's stresses are going to HAVE to take a back seat for once. I have always thought of other people even when my own problems should have taken precedence. Well..... that time has passed and this time has arrived. I feel sorry for people that are going to call me cold-hearted, but that's the way that it's going to have to be. It's Code Red ladies and gentlemen, and in my book that isn't a good thing. no one's happiness will supercede mine anymore. This white knight has put on a new color, a new rage, a new set of problems. With that has come with new things to stress on. I am officially too old to console people anymore. I'm sorry.... I'm sorry if I have offended anyone, but that's how I have to be.


A Knight Enraged

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sadness

The things that I put myself through all for the purpose of someone else..... why, man, why? Why do this to yourself on a regular basis?? I don't know anymore. I'm going to have to take drastic measures.... if I have to stop helping people for a day or two to see how things work out, I'm going to. Right now, I really don't care about others at this point. I just had the worst morning, and it's my own doing. I hate the way this feels. I hate feeling that I am relapsing yet again. I need to figure something out before I cease.....




A Knight In Distress

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The day, The memories...

Today.....

Today would've been a fantastic day, had he still been around. The weather is nice, the sun is shining, my allergies are acting up... All of these are other things that make this day good. My brother being alive, though..... that would have made this day spectacular. It's been four years and still it feels like yesterday. It still tears me apart to think back. I loved him so much. Maybe that's why I screw up now. Everyone that I have loved in my family has passed away for the most part: my cousin, my brother, my grandfather. Things that I can't change, just accept. But it's hard to accept pain, when all you want to do is love. To all, I say, don't be afraid to love because you never know when you won't get a chance to hear the response. The trend of the day is "I got time." Well, you don't. The time you think you have isn't really yours to count on. I thought I had time to tell my brother that I love him, but I had to speak to a casket instead. So now, I wander the borough, the city, looking for people who don't know how to love or don't love correctly. I feel that this is my new purpose now. I want to help people, but I need help. Where can I get it?

Where can I find someone like me? I had one, hell, I had several. Unfortunately, they aren't here anymore. VVIP doesn't understand the burden she's picked up because that's what I feel that I am nowadays. But I don't know anymore. I really don't. Help.....



A Knight In Disguise

Friday, April 24, 2009

My new child

I love children. I really do. I have always wanted my own, but my mindset wasn't adequately prepared. That was my thought until I was told that I was to be the godfather of Autumn. That little girl rekindled the fatherly fire that went out in my heart. God knew I wanted to love, and now I have an outlet. It's interesting how prayers are answered. Maybe I wasn't supposed to try and have my own. Maybe I should've waited. All I can do now is look back at the past and regret some of the things that I have done, but cherish the lessons learned. I will love this one, though. Sorry bro. I'm going to spoil her rotten. lol



A Knight In Disguise

Clutter

I'm reading a little book called The Complete Idiot's Guide to Decluttering. It talks about what I call the ECO method: Eliminate, Categorize, and Organize. This concept, they say, can b applied to anything. So, I wondered if it could be applied to relationships as well. We all have relationships in out lives that we can't let go of, so why not ECO our lives? Eliminate the people that will bring you down with negative energies and concepts. They usually step in and out of your life and cause a little mayhem when they return. They could be ex's, old friends, bad neighbors, or that "wrong crowd" that you always used to hang with. Categorize those people whom you do get along with. The neighbors that give good advice, the friends that stand by you and console, help and encourage you, the family members that help you to aspire your dreams, etc. Now, the interesting part is the Organizing part because you do have some people in your life that are helpful, but they can be a problem at some point in life due to your own feelings, their emotions, and other predisposing factors. Take your time and assess the people in your life, because you don't want to burn any bridges that you might need later. Lol, there I go rationalizing things again. If you have to burn a few bridges, do so because God will provide.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Fed up of things...

As my mind wanders and thinks a mile a minute, I speed through the random thoughts that brreze my cerebral cortex and for the most part, none of them are positive. I always seem to think of situations that I save the day and that's what consumes my mind. I am always hoping for some cerebral flatulence, a reprieve from my mental run-on into oblivion, but it usually doesn't come. School is starting to bore and frustrate me. I still feel like i put women, my sexual cravings, and pleasing others before my actual needs such as an education, personal happiness, etc. I feel lost within my own skin, in a desolate place where I am the only visitor, prisioner, warden, and judge. I don't know how to get out.

My brain has locked me in
trapped in the devices that lay within
Can't seem to find a way
to leave this dismal place.

Many have tried and many have failed. some have gotten close, but I don't know what to do anymore.


A Knight in Disguise

Monday, April 20, 2009

Weather

Today is a rainy day, but the rain was always a peculiar phenomenon for me. I used to write my best poetry in the rain, then that changed to the rain being an omen of bad things to come on that particular day. Nowadays, I look at rain as God telling me that there are somethings in my life that I need to cleanse out of my system. I just have to figure out what it is that I need to learn for today.....



A Knight in Disguise

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Full Circle

Did you ever feel like you were walking around, chasing your own tail? Running, searching, needing, but can't satisfy anything. The reason is that you keep chasing the same thing, even when God shows you something different. It's like we have sinners' tunnel vision. We only see one goal, whether good or bad. We lock in on it and we follow, regardless of the consequences. But sooner or later, we end up where we started: Full Circle. What do we do when we get there? Do we follow the same path? Usually, that's what we end up doing until someone walks up and let's us know that we are walking a road so long that it's all we know. Are we willing to learn something new? Are we really stuck in our rut, scared to change? Where do we really need to be? We come Full Circle for a reason. Sometimes we learn, sometimes we don't. When we don't get it, we further engrain ourselves in out rut. Stuck in out own devices, we dig deeper and deeper in it, but when will we listen? God will send one, two, or maybe fifty people into our way for us to learn that we've come full circle to leave our road and rut and embark on a new path, a better path. Some things from the old road will tag along, but don't worry. They will fall off along the way, if they don't belong.

But remember, when you come
full circle, look around...
someone might be trying to tell you
something that you need to hear.

Written 3/1/09

A Knight In Disguise

My reality, My humanity

Does anyone realize or understand how it feels to have most of the qualities needed to be the "man of her dreams", but none of the sex appeal? Or to have some faults that can be overlooked, but aren't. Maybe because my faults have scarred too many people, burned too many bridges, hurt too many souls...Maybe that's it. Yet, when I want to stop trying, these same people tell me not to. Now, I understand why "The Game" is hard to play. Once you hurt someone, you always pay in triplicate. Can you really leave your past behind you? Or is it shackled around your knees to drag around your forever? Does the word "forgiveness" only exist in Biblical texts? Do people really use it or is it just hearsay? The power of pain prevails against pardon and patience. Men can somewhat forgive other men, and some women are the same. But, once you cross the opposite sex, it's all downhill.

The pain never stops...
the pain never ends....
the story of your life just begins to unravel, unfold, and deteriorate because the words "I'm sorry" have lost all power to her.

My reality is pain...
Pain that I've caused others...
Pain that I've caused myself...
Pain that can never be left behind as I try.

"I"...... maybe that's the problem. I can't do it.

I can't.....
and my humanity has to suffer.

A Knight in Disguise