Sadness

The things that I put myself through all for the purpose of someone else..... why, man, why? Why do this to yourself on a regular basis?? I don't know anymore. I'm going to have to take drastic measures.... if I have to stop helping people for a day or two to see how things work out, I'm going to. Right now, I really don't care about others at this point. I just had the worst morning, and it's my own doing. I hate the way this feels. I hate feeling that I am relapsing yet again. I need to figure something out before I cease.....

A Knight In Distress

The day, The memories...

Today.....

Today would've been a fantastic day, had he still been around. The weather is nice, the sun is shining, my allergies are acting up... All of these are other things that make this day good. My brother being alive, though..... that would have made this day spectacular. It's been four years and still it feels like yesterday. It still tears me apart to think back. I loved him so much. Maybe that's why I screw up now. Everyone that I have loved in my family has passed away for the most part: my cousin, my brother, my grandfather. Things that I can't change, just accept. But it's hard to accept pain, when all you want to do is love. To all, I say, don't be afraid to love because you never know when you won't get a chance to hear the response. The trend of the day is "I got time." Well, you don't. The time you think you have isn't really yours to count on. I thought I had time to tell my brother that I love him, but I had to speak to a casket instead. So now, I wander the borough, the city, looking for people who don't know how to love or don't love correctly. I feel that this is my new purpose now. I want to help people, but I need help. Where can I get it?

Where can I find someone like me? I had one, hell, I had several. Unfortunately, they aren't here anymore. VVIP doesn't understand the burden she's picked up because that's what I feel that I am nowadays. But I don't know anymore. I really don't. Help.....

A Knight In Disguise

My new child

I love children. I really do. I have always wanted my own, but my mindset wasn't adequately prepared. That was my thought until I was told that I was to be the godfather of Autumn. That little girl rekindled the fatherly fire that went out in my heart. God knew I wanted to love, and now I have an outlet. It's interesting how prayers are answered. Maybe I wasn't supposed to try and have my own. Maybe I should've waited. All I can do now is look back at the past and regret some of the things that I have done, but cherish the lessons learned. I will love this one, though. Sorry bro. I'm going to spoil her rotten. lol

A Knight In Disguise

Clutter

I'm reading a little book called The Complete Idiot's Guide to Decluttering. It talks about what I call the ECO method: Eliminate, Categorize, and Organize. This concept, they say, can b applied to anything. So, I wondered if it could be applied to relationships as well. We all have relationships in out lives that we can't let go of, so why not ECO our lives? Eliminate the people that will bring you down with negative energies and concepts. They usually step in and out of your life and cause a little mayhem when they return. They could be ex's, old friends, bad neighbors, or that "wrong crowd" that you always used to hang with. Categorize those people whom you do get along with. The neighbors that give good advice, the friends that stand by you and console, help and encourage you, the family members that help you to aspire your dreams, etc. Now, the interesting part is the Organizing part because you do have some people in your life that are helpful, but they can be a problem at some point in life due to your own feelings, their emotions, and other predisposing factors. Take your time and assess the people in your life, because you don't want to burn any bridges that you might need later. Lol, there I go rationalizing things again. If you have to burn a few bridges, do so because God will provide.

Fed up of things...

As my mind wanders and thinks a mile a minute, I speed through the random thoughts that brreze my cerebral cortex and for the most part, none of them are positive. I always seem to think of situations that I save the day and that's what consumes my mind. I am always hoping for some cerebral flatulence, a reprieve from my mental run-on into oblivion, but it usually doesn't come. School is starting to bore and frustrate me. I still feel like i put women, my sexual cravings, and pleasing others before my actual needs such as an education, personal happiness, etc. I feel lost within my own skin, in a desolate place where I am the only visitor, prisioner, warden, and judge. I don't know how to get out.

My brain has locked me in
trapped in the devices that lay within
Can't seem to find a way
to leave this dismal place.

Many have tried and many have failed. some have gotten close, but I don't know what to do anymore.

A Knight in Disguise

Weather

Today is a rainy day, but the rain was always a peculiar phenomenon for me. I used to write my best poetry in the rain, then that changed to the rain being an omen of bad things to come on that particular day. Nowadays, I look at rain as God telling me that there are somethings in my life that I need to cleanse out of my system. I just have to figure out what it is that I need to learn for today.....

A Knight in Disguise

Full Circle

Did you ever feel like you were walking around, chasing your own tail? Running, searching, needing, but can't satisfy anything. The reason is that you keep chasing the same thing, even when God shows you something different. It's like we have sinners' tunnel vision. We only see one goal, whether good or bad. We lock in on it and we follow, regardless of the consequences. But sooner or later, we end up where we started: Full Circle. What do we do when we get there? Do we follow the same path? Usually, that's what we end up doing until someone walks up and let's us know that we are walking a road so long that it's all we know. Are we willing to learn something new? Are we really stuck in our rut, scared to change? Where do we really need to be? We come Full Circle for a reason. Sometimes we learn, sometimes we don't. When we don't get it, we further engrain ourselves in out rut. Stuck in out own devices, we dig deeper and deeper in it, but when will we listen? God will send one, two, or maybe fifty people into our way for us to learn that we've come full circle to leave our road and rut and embark on a new path, a better path. Some things from the old road will tag along, but don't worry. They will fall off along the way, if they don't belong.

But remember, when you come

full circle, look around...

someone might be trying to tell you

something that you need to hear.

Written 3/1/09

A Knight In Disguise

My reality, My humanity

Does anyone realize or understand how it feels to have most of the qualities needed to be the "man of her dreams", but none of the sex appeal? Or to have some faults that can be overlooked, but aren't. Maybe because my faults have scarred too many people, burned too many bridges, hurt too many souls...Maybe that's it. Yet, when I want to stop trying, these same people tell me not to. Now, I understand why "The Game" is hard to play. Once you hurt someone, you always pay in triplicate. Can you really leave your past behind you? Or is it shackled around your knees to drag around your forever? Does the word "forgiveness" only exist in Biblical texts? Do people really use it or is it just hearsay? The power of pain prevails against pardon and patience. Men can somewhat forgive other men, and some women are the same. But, once you cross the opposite sex, it's all downhill.

The pain never stops...
the pain never ends....
the story of your life just begins to unravel, unfold, and deteriorate because the words "I'm sorry" have lost all power to her.

My reality is pain...
Pain that I've caused others...
Pain that I've caused myself...
Pain that can never be left behind as I try.

"I"...... maybe that's the problem. I can't do it.

I can't.....
and my humanity has to suffer.

A Knight in Disguise