Blast from the past....

I just went searching for my first blog. Unfortunately, Blogger wasn't my first (lol).

http://non-violent-sniper.xanga.com/

Check it out and tell me if I've grown.....


White Knight

Feelings in terms of relationships

You're the peanut to my butter because without you, I would be oil, not being able to have feeling or meaning.  But with you.... WITH YOU..... we mix and flow into one that is pleasing to the mouth, that is pleasing to the one who hears the beautiful melody, harmony, and accompaniment of orchestral sounds that you just call... your voice.

White Knight Copyrighted....


Will update later....

Acceptance

Why is it that this concept runs my every waking moment? Why do I feel like I have to make everyone like me or I will die inside? Why does this heartache not dissipate when new friends are made or new relations are set in stone? Why do I need acceptance? Why do I crave it? Easy............ Because many people that have gone through my life don't really give a shit. Don't get me wrong... There are people that care. It's just that the simple fact that I've never been accepted for who or what I am. I've been accepted for who I can be in the future. Well, NEWS FLASH FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That isn't me yet. Don't get mad when the Knight that you want is still a bum trying to please the world now and can't do much for himself. What the fuck? It's less than 24 hours before my 28th birthday and what am I doing??? Venting because this all hurts so goddamn much. People don't understand why I'm always in pain.... Because it never goes away for me.... I don't get that fucking luxury.... Thanks world!!!!! I don't get the button that lets you live somewhat peacefully... Hell, I don't get the button that lets me have a fucking useful college degree.... The tears are sitting in my fucking eyes as usual but won't fall.... What the fuck did I do to deserve a shitty life such as this......... My pain racks my body like electricity going through train tracks... Non-stop. Even when I'm happy or laughing, if you look closely, I'm still hurting. I already know what most of my friends will tell me after reading this...... "everyone goes through this".... "it's just a phase"... Well fuck, if everyone goes through this, why is it that everyone hasn't been through college for almost 12 fucking years without a stable usable degree, huh?? Why?? I don't know... I don't know anymore... I don't have the energy to fight anymore.... It all hurts too much to think or feel anymore... Times heals shit...... I don't accept myself.....

Dueces

My Past, My Present, My Destruction...

As I look through my life and my past relations, I start to see a trend that hasn't stopped. The trend is that I'm not going any fucking where!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know why... Maybe it's because I'm not serious enough... Or maybe it's because I never put myself first (more about that in another blog). Maybe I really don't know what I want to do, how I should live my life, or whether I should be breathing still.... I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am starting to feel sad all the time again. I hated and loved this feeling because it never left me. I'm trying to be happy.... I'm trying to be normal, but alas my endeavors to join society and put together a ramshackle of an existence is proving to be damn near motherfucking impossible. As I looked back, I see that everyone that was there isn't anymore. When I look at my present, I see that everyone around me is moving forward. Everyone tells me that I'm smart, intelligent, and all that cute shit. But what it all boils down to is this simple thing: I'm not doing a thing with my life and I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel that my mind will explode due to this enormous reservoir of bottled up, stored away, untouched negativity that has taken permanent residence in my heart and soul. when it does explode, it will take my life from the shit that it is and do one of two things: make everything clearer so I know my path or kill me.........

What's it gonna be...................

Nursing Home

When i hear the words "Nursing Home," my body would itch and hurt because we all hear the horror stories about how people are mistreated at these places.  But I wonder, is it the older generations fault that we as a younger generation have gotten so money hungry that their lives and the care that they are given aren't as important anymore?  Do we really see life as important or is it just another dollar sign? But I digress... Even with all that being said, when I think of my own grandmother going back and forth from the hospital because of something or the other, I honestly believe that it would be safer and more along the lines of caring if she were in a nursing home...... I know it sounds bad, but I don't like to know that she fell while cooking and she's in the hospital for a week or she's having real bad breathing problems and other complications that I can't bring myself to think about right now. Her quality of life might change if those circumstances changed, but who knows? They might not and she might be better off home, but this is just me venting.....