Done......

Burnt out... Fried.... Cooked... Baked... None of these words can truly put together what I feel inside... My heart is torn every which way and my mind with it. I don't know what to do, where to go, how to feel.... My brain feels like it's been sitting on an overheated radiator in the middle of summer. I don't want to go to school, or work, or out of the fuckin' house for that matter. I feel everything crashing down around me... I'm tired of putting up the face of a happy muthafucka. It's starting to sicken me. I'm starting to detest even smiling. I can't take it.... I'm tired... I'm done...

The truth behind the gate: Part I

My mind are running everywhere and I don't know where to start.  My heart is bent backwards, sideways, and upside down trying to sort out what's inside.  The black market is murder, for real.  Attempting to tear me apart, limb from limb, heart chamber from heart chamber.  It's torn me in so many different ways, it's ridiculous.  Women think it's easy to be a nice guy, to be compassionate, kind, sweet, and caring without it having an effect on you.  The truth behind the gate is that the pain in one's heart is usually more than they can bear.  Usually, the individual will take it out on others whether they choose to or not.  To stud women would take years on end, and they might just feel the say ways about men.  They don't completely say how they feel for fear of being hurt and when they get hurt, they get mad at the man whose supposed to interpret exactly what she was thinking and how she felt because men have to be freakin' mind readers.  Those same women claim that men don't know what they want, when in fact some women are mad that what men want is so simple.  You don't need a quantum physics textbook to solve a Sudoku puzzle,so why would women think that you need to be complex when dealing with the heart?  I understand that relationships aren't easy and most people always hear the worst from their friends/relatives, but if the emotional maturity is present, then things are possible.

Parts of me, forced together

I feel like I have lived my life to appease the masses. There's a me for parties, there's a me for school. There was a me for church and a me for masking things. There's a me for fun and a me for stress. I've spent my life forcing all these different me's together, trying to make them work. Look at me now. A mess. There are like 39 different me's in my head, all prepared for different scenarios, but none of them are right. None of them are the real me....They all have parts to who I am.

I'm a whiner, a crier, a punk, a baby, an affectionate, a clown, and I'm not normal.

When can I get to the point that the parts of me that counted are made whole??

Apart

Apart.....

Tripping, stumbling, falling, lost... is where I am. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to feel. I am disconnected from myself. I'm stuck in 100 different ruts without an escape. I made myself a hermit. I am apart. Apart from everything. Apart from my feelings, thought processes, true needs and desires. I am apart. I am not used to deciding, thinking, feeling, or responding on my own anymore. I am apart. I am in school, just to be there. I am home, just to be here. I am apart. I feel lost from everything and anything, but yet He is there.

You start to wonder why He sticks around, why you end up in certain places, feeling certain ways, thinking that you can never get anything right. Maybe I'm looking wrong. Sometimes I feel that way, sometimes I don't. I am apart. I don't know how to pull it all together anymore.

To all my friends that keep repeating the right things in my ear, please keep doing so.
To all my ex's that I have hurt in the past, please forgive me.
To all the people that came to me for advice, if you ever see that I need some advice and you feel compelled to do so, by all means you are welcome.

I need help, just as much as anyone else. I'm falling apart and it isn't at the seams anymore. It's at the core.

I am apart....

The things people do and those that don't believe...

Do people really believe that the choices that the ones they love make choices that hurt them, but will help them? Have you ever been put in that situation, where a decision that you've had to make a choice that was beneficial to someone in the long run, but painful in the short term?

Alone.....

Mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually.... All of these are different ways that one can have the unfortunate feeling of being alone. Craving touch, emotion, attention, comfort, salvation are things that make people go to extents that usually they would not attempt. Women will chase after men that they know are wrong for them, men will chase women that will give them the attention that they desire, people will chase after drugs and other paraphernalia that will give them the feeling of escape, wanting to forget experiences, memories, hate, lost love, and a plethora of different life situations.

Have you ever had the saddening, sickening feeling of loneliness, even when sitting in a group of people?  Laying next to someone you care about?  It's that feeling that drives us all to combat it in every other way but what we're supposed to do: actually sit down by ourselves and figure it out....

Ask yourself the question:  Do you feel alone?

Love Questions and Answers

A friend of mine asked me several questions and I've chosen to answer them on here...


How is it that love is patient?
When two people love each other seriously, that love is supposed to be able to persevere through all situations. It is supposed to endure the struggles and foster affection towards the other, regardless of circumstance.

For you, what is love?
To me, love is the the end of a beginning and the beginning of a new world. It ends some of the kidding around when you just like someone and it begins the inquiry of whether you can live with this person for the rest of your life. You can love someone as much as you love to breathe, but your love will compel you to let them go, even if you might not want it. You will be happy with the decision.

How do we learn to love?
We learn by experience.

Do you believe that love is one, or everyone has their own version?
Love has different versions for everyone because no two people fall in love the same way.  It's personal, yet universal.

How come that does not behave rudely, and always perseveres and is not selfish?
Not too sure.

Is it possible that we can love without pain?
That's like someone asking me if you can live without breathing. The two run together, inseparable like red and white blood cells.