Acceptance

Why is it that this concept runs my every waking moment? Why do I feel like I have to make everyone like me or I will die inside? Why does this heartache not dissipate when new friends are made or new relations are set in stone? Why do I need acceptance? Why do I crave it? Easy............ Because many people that have gone through my life don't really give a shit. Don't get me wrong... There are people that care. It's just that the simple fact that I've never been accepted for who or what I am. I've been accepted for who I can be in the future. Well, NEWS FLASH FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That isn't me yet. Don't get mad when the Knight that you want is still a bum trying to please the world now and can't do much for himself. What the fuck? It's less than 24 hours before my 28th birthday and what am I doing??? Venting because this all hurts so goddamn much. People don't understand why I'm always in pain.... Because it never goes away for me.... I don't get that fucking luxury.... Thanks world!!!!! I don't get the button that lets you live somewhat peacefully... Hell, I don't get the button that lets me have a fucking useful college degree.... The tears are sitting in my fucking eyes as usual but won't fall.... What the fuck did I do to deserve a shitty life such as this......... My pain racks my body like electricity going through train tracks... Non-stop. Even when I'm happy or laughing, if you look closely, I'm still hurting. I already know what most of my friends will tell me after reading this...... "everyone goes through this".... "it's just a phase"... Well fuck, if everyone goes through this, why is it that everyone hasn't been through college for almost 12 fucking years without a stable usable degree, huh?? Why?? I don't know... I don't know anymore... I don't have the energy to fight anymore.... It all hurts too much to think or feel anymore... Times heals shit...... I don't accept myself.....

Dueces

My Past, My Present, My Destruction...

As I look through my life and my past relations, I start to see a trend that hasn't stopped. The trend is that I'm not going any fucking where!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know why... Maybe it's because I'm not serious enough... Or maybe it's because I never put myself first (more about that in another blog). Maybe I really don't know what I want to do, how I should live my life, or whether I should be breathing still.... I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am starting to feel sad all the time again. I hated and loved this feeling because it never left me. I'm trying to be happy.... I'm trying to be normal, but alas my endeavors to join society and put together a ramshackle of an existence is proving to be damn near motherfucking impossible. As I looked back, I see that everyone that was there isn't anymore. When I look at my present, I see that everyone around me is moving forward. Everyone tells me that I'm smart, intelligent, and all that cute shit. But what it all boils down to is this simple thing: I'm not doing a thing with my life and I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel that my mind will explode due to this enormous reservoir of bottled up, stored away, untouched negativity that has taken permanent residence in my heart and soul. when it does explode, it will take my life from the shit that it is and do one of two things: make everything clearer so I know my path or kill me.........

What's it gonna be...................

Nursing Home

When i hear the words "Nursing Home," my body would itch and hurt because we all hear the horror stories about how people are mistreated at these places.  But I wonder, is it the older generations fault that we as a younger generation have gotten so money hungry that their lives and the care that they are given aren't as important anymore?  Do we really see life as important or is it just another dollar sign? But I digress... Even with all that being said, when I think of my own grandmother going back and forth from the hospital because of something or the other, I honestly believe that it would be safer and more along the lines of caring if she were in a nursing home...... I know it sounds bad, but I don't like to know that she fell while cooking and she's in the hospital for a week or she's having real bad breathing problems and other complications that I can't bring myself to think about right now. Her quality of life might change if those circumstances changed, but who knows? They might not and she might be better off home, but this is just me venting.....

Mental Flow.... #2

As everything gushes out like an unpredictable geyser, my mind is purging like a volcano. Never thought I would be back here.  I don't know how to phrase this anymore.  I don't know how to leave here anymore.  People close to be are hurting because I don't know what to do.  Pain is in excess, the flow is backed up.  Not knowing where to go, it back flows like regurgitation... back into my system.  School's a pain, life's a pain, pain is a pain.  Lol. Too funny, isn't it?  I can't deal anymore, but I have to because no one else can do it for me.

Flow

Feeling the slip sliding of thoughts flowing in my brain.... The ebb and flow of wow and hmmm as I walk aimlessly through the day... The wondering of whether I'm too soft or not the right flavor for the various settings of different relationships in my life. Is this supposed to be painless? I don't think so....
Watching the ebb and pulse making me tip toe through the brush and causing an internal blush...
Cuz i'm too dark for it to occur externally where everyone can see...
Not knowing how to deal with the flow of everything so real...
Dodging the rush of battleships in my heart trying to sink me and tear me apart....
Taking one step forward and eighteen steps back only to walk the same road again...
Agony, pain, distrust, disdain are all feelings that I have docked at before but i keep returning...
Why??? Why do I go back? Why do I flow near?? Why??? I don't know... All I can do is watch the flow....

Compliment

When people speak of complimenting something, you usually think of making positive comments towards a person's attire.  They also refer to how angles compliment to equal 90 or 180 degrees.  I'm referring to compliments in terms of relationships.  For two people to compliment each other, the two much understand and accept one another mentally and physically.  To understand a person mentally, you must be able to look past the other person's flaws.  Not only to look past them, but to accept them for who they are.  To understand a person physically, your goal is to not to try to change a person, but to help them change themselves.  We all have made the mistake of trying to convert people to our wants and needs, and not accepting the person for who they were.  Unfortunately, there are somethings to watch out for.  These things are susceptible to change because there are components to a relationship that can alter most of these.

• Someone who you can understand when you first meet them might not be the same person in 3-6 months.
• The heart of a person is impressionable, regardless of what they say.  It depends on what impression lasts...
• Compromise is the life force of all relationships.  Without it, everything will soon fall apart, whether it be friendship or a marriage.  
• Trust is a mindset that can't work without Compromise.  trust cannot stand on it's own.  To truly trust someone, regardless of circumstance, is to understand them and the ability to compromise.
• You can't forcibly adjust someone's  communication patterns, unless they are open to said change.

When things fall apart, heartache is like the mushroom cloud that you see in movies after a huge bomb explodes, because the actual breakup is the actual bomb.  Most people attribute the breakup to sex, cheating, and a multitude of other reasons, but I believe that the underlying reason is a loss of compromise and understanding.  Once these two pillars fall, the relationship will cave in on itself unless something is done.  Happiness will cease unless the two can still compliment one another.

Find your compliment..........

Done......

Burnt out... Fried.... Cooked... Baked... None of these words can truly put together what I feel inside... My heart is torn every which way and my mind with it. I don't know what to do, where to go, how to feel.... My brain feels like it's been sitting on an overheated radiator in the middle of summer. I don't want to go to school, or work, or out of the fuckin' house for that matter. I feel everything crashing down around me... I'm tired of putting up the face of a happy muthafucka. It's starting to sicken me. I'm starting to detest even smiling. I can't take it.... I'm tired... I'm done...